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Kitty's KornerThe philosophy of one Imperfect Woman.... 4月1日 DistractionsThough I'm sure you'll never see this, I have to tell you that I did not forget your birthday. The day haunted me; followed my every movement and thought. I wondered how you were, where you were, what you were doing, and yes, even who you were with. I thought about you every minute, though I tried to find as many distractions as I could to try to forget, to try to stop all the memories flooding my brain and body, to let go of all we shared over the two years we spent together, I was unsuccessful, as I knew I would be. Time has not closed the gaping wound you left behind; even the universe cannot fill it. In retrospect, I guess I am to blame. In one of my moments in the depths of despair, I made a decision that altered my life so drastically, I will never recover. I will never know if your words were meant to cut so deeply, but I did hear the finality in your tone and in your words. I'm sorry it ended so badly; I'm sorry it ended at all!
Though there is never a day that I don't think of you at least once, or an anniversary or occassion I don't remember, I guess you could say I have moved on. I'm with someone else now. Though I tried to focus on him, time and again, I find he pales in comparison. I know I should not compare you, but there are so many similarities it is difficult not to do so. I know I am settling for less, but it is the only decision I can make that will allow me to continue this thing they call life. I was so desolate and alone. You took my best friend when you left, and I was unprepared to face the emptiness. He found me , picked up the pieces and carefully put them back together. He knows me as intimately as you did, actually, even more! He sees how fragile I am, and he protects me when I need protection and sets me free when I need to run. He too has been through some of the same experiences and understands the pain. He knows how to help me forget you, though I'm sure it hurts him to know I still love you. He knows I will never love him in the same way, and yet, he forgives me for it. He is tangible, concrete, real. He is here. We are building a foundation together, he and I. It is a foundation based upon experience, honesty and pain, but at least it is solid. Just like us, he and I have many obstacles to overcome; but unlike us, he and I face them and conquer them together. He is not afraid of what the rest of the world thinks; it is not the barrier it was for us. He simply doesn't care. It feels good not to have to hide anymore.
I hope you have found happiness and joy. I worry that you are ill equipted to face the world without someone to support you, but then, you have always been stronger than you give yourself credit for. I've been told you are happier without me. I guess I always knew that would be the case.
Happy 20th birthday, my love. Be well.
Not that you care, but now you know...
10月18日 Dreams (Truly Madly Deeply<Song> - Savage Garden)My Beloved, In the past few days, I have been deep in thought. I have reflected upon where we've been and where we have yet to go. I have realized one thing and that is that I want this dream of ours. I want it without reservation. I want you to know no matter how often we have to face a new challenge or overcome another obstacle thrown in our way, I believe in that dream, honey. I will not let go of it even when it seems for a moment in time to be unattainable. We will face these trials together and we will grow stronger in our resolve with each adversity conquered. This song encompases my feelings for our love and all my dreams for our future life together. I hope you will hear in it the same things I do. I love you beyond what words are capable of describing! Truly...Madly...Deeply, and for all eternity! Yours Always, ~Kitty 10月16日 Courage (Through the Rain<Video> - Mariah Carey)Courage is definded by the dictionary as 'the state or quality of mind or spirit that enables one to face danger, fear, or vicissitudes with self-possession, confidence, and resolution; bravery.'
Basically, I guess what that means is courage is finding the strength to face your fears head-on, take a stand, and act on your decision.
Some people have an innate sense of courage. We call theses people the heros of our world; the ones who possess the quality to act fearlessly for the good of others without thinking or regard for the consequences to themselves. These are exemplified by the men and women who serve as soldiers for their country in times of war or police, firemen, medical and emergency personel who provide services during times of disaster or epidemics; ordinary people doing extraordinary acts of bravery under trying and difficult circumstances.
But what of the others...the unsung heros of our world? The ordinary people who risk personal ridicule or retribution in some form to make a choice or take a stand? What of these people? The whistle-blowers of corporations, the battered women finally walking away, the unmarried teens giving up his/her child for adoption, a teen refusing to deny their faith knowing they might be shot for acknowledging it, the gay or lesbian person who chooses to 'come out', an overwhelmingly shy student giving their first public speech, people who take an unpopular view or stand on an issue that is against the norm of society, or even those who make personal choices right for them but wrong by other's standards... these are the people of whom I speak. Every day, every moment, somewhere on this planet there is an ordinary person who faces their fear to overcome personal challenges, or moral and ethical delimmas that their lives pose. These people are not often called courageous. We tend to forget how extraordinary these small acts of bravery are for them. Minor acts that are seemingly too inconsequential to be noticed by most of the world, and yet are none-the-less major accomplishments for the individual. They may perhaps be recognized by a few who know and understand them well or even not at all, but they are courageous acts just the same.
We make choices daily that affect our lives and the lives of others around us. What is amazingly easy for one individual to do is excruciatingly difficult for another. But acts of courage and bravery are definded by the individual, not society. If you do something that has been difficult to do and requires you to overcome your fear of the consequences, then you have met the definition above. It is the act of making the decision and the decision itself that is the defining moment. These moments of self definition will become more frequent as you learn to trust yourself and have confidence in your ability to make correct decisions for yourself and your life. No one else need approve of your choices if they are right for you; it is your inalienable right to live life for yourself. You should be proud of yourself even if no one else recognizes your strength. You do indeed possess courage!
10月10日 Expression's Demise (Behind These Hazel Eyes<Video> - Kelly Clarkson)Al, you have inspired me... I thought I could refrain from expressing my thoughts here, but find I must speak. And so, I return!
This is the last entry you will find here. I will be stopping by a few spaces now and then to say hi to several of the people I have met in this journey of mine, but I will no longer be found here.
Thank you all for your comments. Kim and Linda, I appreciate your wonderful support and uplifting spaces. Keep up the good work! Remember all you who pass here: Life is a journey of self discovery. Live it to its fullest and without regrets and live wholely for yourself and enjoy each moment God allows you. Never have to look back and say 'What if.....?'
Love Always,
~Kitty  Changing (Metamorphosis <Song> - Hillary Duff)This is dedicated to an extraordinarily special person in my life. They know who they are!
Though I know you will hate the song that goes with this message, listen carefully to the words. They are exactly right to describe what is happening right now. Just as the caterpillar emerges from his cocoon to become a beautiful butterfly, so too will you emerge from this search and awakening of self as a new and changed person. But as the following link will show you, there are indeed many different shapes, sizes, colors, and other attributes that each specific species carries.
I guess what I'm saying is whoever you become, you will always be very, very special, and your unique and "brilliant self." I will love you no matter who that is! I can only pray that it will be someone who will still want to share their life with me.   10月8日 Child Rearing 101 - The Joys and Pitfalls of Children (Children of the World <Song> - Amy Grant)As we all know, there is no one definitive source on the subject of raising children. There are many self-help books, but even they don't always agree. So I'm made to muddle through this activity without really knowing what the hell I'm doing! Why doesn't God send these buggers down with an instruction manual for each of their stages? I mean, how am I meant to know exactly what to do? What's right for one child is totally wrong for another! I want to guide them to make prudent decisions and correct choices without demanding they do it 'my way' ('cuz God knows, I didn't do it too well....), and I don't want to send them over the deep edge. I want them to know they can come and talk to me without the fear of the judgemental repercussions I had to deal with. I remember that age (the wanna spread your wings and fly, impatient, know-it-all age) - it wasn't THAT long ago when you consider the age of the time-space continuum! - but times have changed drasticly since then. As a single parent, it's even harder because you're both mom and dad. And as in any family, mom and dad don't always agree. (It's just worse when you're fighting with yourself!). So I have to walk a fine line here. I want to allow them to have the freedom to grow, learn who they are and who they want to become; but I still want them to understand that I expect them to maintain a standard of behaviour I consider resonable and acceptable. Mind you, I also have to take into consideration what my parents think is reasonable and acceptable ('cuz I don't know about you, but mine is still very vocal about what is proper and what I should and should not do). So I'm trying to walk down the middle of the road when all I really WANNA do is tell my mom to butt the hell out and let me take a shot at it ('cuz Lord knows her way is straight outta the Victorian era and SHE didnt do all that great!); all this while trying to maintain some kinda control over my kids without turning into my mom. If I go one way, my kids hate me; if i go the other, I'm being lectured as to what I'm doing wrong (and at my age, that is a totally unacceptable but quite often occurance). So, what to do....what to do? Tough choice. Major dilemma. It's a no-win no-win situation. Sigh.
And then I have my own personal issues and relationship I'm trying to deal with and I'm jugglling all this and trying not to drop any of the balls. I would so like to return to the time BC (you know...Before Children) but then I start to feel guilty about being selfish and thinking of myself. So I'm trying to be 'supermom' when all I really, REALLY wanna do is find my soulmate, settle into the illusive happily-ever-after life that I've heard so many others talk about (and which it seems I've been chasing forever without success) and get on with my life. So ya God...a manual would help! Definately. Pick up the thing, turn to page 137 and learn 'How to make your kids, your parents, your significant other, yourself and the rest of the world happy, all at the same time!' Now there's the solution to everything.
EEEEEK! CALGON, TAKE ME AWAY! 10月6日 Incomplete - Ramblings of a Sick Mind (Incomplete<Song> - Backstreet Boys)Though you mean well
You cannot see or know the hell Your simple words cause Replaying in my mind without pause You continue to remind me of the time When the world was right and everything fine I try to change as you wish To forget the times of perfect bliss To become something I never wished to be But it requires I become something less than me The me you once loved so much Is still here struggling not to want your touch But wait! It's too late I cannot allow myself to feel These emotions that are still so very real I must find a way Bury the past; face a new day I have done this all before Too many times to keep score Why is it so difficult to cut the ties that bind Why so very hard this time? I do not want to hurt you more To bring you pain as I have before I know that the dream must die
I know I cannot hope to live this lie I must be strong If I'm to right the wrong I must now let you go Yourself to find and to know In time, who knows? you may return I can only hope our fire will still burn Without you the day I will try to meet It's just that I'm so incredibly.... Incomplete. 10月5日 New Beginnings (Breakaway<Video> - Kelly Clarkson)To me this song is about new beginnings, new chances, a new and fresh start; seems most appropriate at the moment. '...take a risk/Take a chance/Make a change/And breakaway,' time to turn from the past and look to the future whatever that holds for me. Life tends to evolve from moment to moment. It is an ever changing thing and we either move with it or we become stagnant like water standing still. I choose to move forward, evolving into a better version of me. Perhaps I will learn from my mistakes this time; perhaps i will break this endless repeating cycle I seem to have put myself in. I hope so. I would like to change for the better this time. I'd like to rid myself of the fear I harbor so close to my heart and nurture every nanosecond of my life. I want to dissipate the negativity flowing through my mind and my life. I want to stop holding my breath. I want to be the optimist I used to be.
I want to smile again. I want to laugh again. I want to love again.
I want to LIVE again! WanderingsIn the past few days I have found myself wandering around the 'my space' forums. I have come across some very interesting spaces and the people who wander there as well. I find it quite fascinating what people are willing to share of their personal lives with total strangers of the world! People's expressions run the gambit of emotions: some are happy, some sad, some outrageous, some mundane, some exciting, some boring, some thought provoking, some thoughtless; but within each page you can discover something about the inividual who created the space and the people who respond to them. On one of my local radio stations this morning, I heard the DJs talking about the 'my space' phenomenon and part of that discussion was about the average age of the people who utilized it. The consensus was 20 or 30 somethings. However, I have concluded that this is definately arbitrary as I have found people as young as 11 and as old as 80! Country of origin has no significance or bearing on the age or gender. There are people from every socioeconomic level, race, language, religion, philosophy and profession.
There are those who express themselves through pictures and those who use words. Some of the pictures are drawings or anime, some are real life photos. Written material is in all forms: essays, commentaries, lists, questionaires, poems and journal type or 'notes to self' entries. The thing I find most interesting across all these spaces is the need to express oneself that we all share. There are those people who have many 'followers' and people who visit and comment on their sites regularly and those who seemingly speak to themselves for no comments have ever been set forth on their space. Each space however, is a study in humanity and just how similar we all are to one another. The ability to communicate your feelings at any given time and to see others who feel or have felt the same as you at a moment in time is the one consistent fiber that runs through these spaces.
What does that say about us? I think what it says is there is a common bond among all of us. We all need to express ourselves and feel connected in some manner to the rest of humanity. The one question that this leads me to then is why, when we're all so similar in our feelings and thoughts, can we not find a way to understand each other and get along? Why must there be such turmoil in the world? 10月1日 My New LifeI awakened to a new dawn and laid staring at the dimly lit ceiling watching the fan move endlessly about in its perpetual circle of life. My first thought was of you (naturally) but I forced it from my head. Haunted, i finally got up and went to shower. I stood there trying to wash you away...sigh...to no avail of course. I sit down at my desk, my towels wrapped around me and stare at my computer. I debate with myself...should I sign on or not? I know if I do, I should look for you. I know how I am. Its too soon...too soon! These urges will pass, I know from past experience. I feel like expressing myself though. What to do...what to do. Finally, disappointing myself, I sign on. I do remember to sign on as offline though. I do not wish to bring you back to memories of the pain of yesterday. I so wish I could have avoided it.
I have decided to disappear for awhile. More for my benefit than yours, for I know you will move ahead quickly now. You will plunge yourself into your work and find many other things to occupy your time. Perhaps you will renew those friendships that have become distant for the sake of me. I sit here writing this and realize that I must move back to my private realm. This forum has served its purpose. I no longer need to share with the world the pain of my existance. And so, I pick up the pieces of what is left and silently fade away.......... |
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